I'm trying to figure out the meaning to these lyrics. This song is my favourite track off the new Regina Spektor album 'Far'. It gives me chills and brings me to tears all at once and I can't even really explain why. Something about the piano and the way she uses her voice, it's so powerful. Anyway, if you haven't heard it yet, I urge you to get the album because it's fantastic (despite critics being typical and lame, saying it's 'nothing special) and I guarantee you will find yourself moved by it. Then, listen to this song and tell me what you think it's about. Check it out:

It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can’t believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to feel the beat

Eet, eet, eet, eet
Eet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You’re using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to move your feet
Eet, eet, eet, eet
Eet, eet, eet, eet

Someone’s deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
‘Cause it’s his turn but his brother won’t let him try

It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can’t believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember, you try to feel the beat

I feel as if it could be concerning numerous things. Love- maybe a relationship that was lost, maybe one that is slowly falling apart; maybe the hardship of moving on and adapting to a breakup. Handicap- either physical or mental, and learning to live with it, perhaps involving therapy/rehabilitation of some sort. Addiction- acknowledging it, knowing one wants to change one's ways, and leaving it behind (or trying). Self-identity- a change in one's perception of self or perception of life in general, as a result of a significant turningpoint event or merely the process of aging. Morality- the hardship of making decisions, little and big; trying to find an answer; the meaning of life.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but I tend to do that with everything, particularly music. Regardless of what she intended to convey, this song strikes me in a way that I can't describe. It's just so good.

So I've decided to start writing again. About what, nothing in particular. To whom, nobody specific. And quite frankly, without the slightest doubt that this will be just another blog in the world of blogger addicts anonymous. Just another trickle in the stream of posts of rambling and nonsensical blathering by someone who thinks someone else is listening. Actually, personally, I'd rather have nobody listening. It makes the process more personal and less formal because then I'm not so inclined to write as if I'm speaking to an audience. I'm more inclined to writing as if I am talking to myself. As it is I already do that 24/7 in my head so this should be somewhat easy. I think. I have a lot going on between my left ear and my right, so this may be a bit taxing.

I used to log on almost religiously everyday. Even if it was merely to check up on things, find out what the buzz is, see how many people were taking the time to view my little insights, perhaps feel like something I was saying and thinking and feeling stood for something. To know that my random meanderings of thought were meaningful to someone, anyone, if anyone at all out there, makes it that much more meaningful for me to share. I think that is one of the reasons why I am back. I like to feel as if there is a broader connection between myself and those in the world that I may never come in direct contact with. If we can have a dialogue, so to speak, via the luxury of the web, we'll both end up with a better perspective on life.

Another reason I'm here, and the more primary, is because my life has been falling apart. Or should I say, I have been falling apart. There are so many contributing factors as to why, all involving major changes that I'm having trouble adjusting to. Biggest of all is the fact that I recently graduated from college. I never anticipated it would be such a difficult transition but boy is it a hurdle. Honestly it has been one of the most challenging times of my life, and I'm trying everything to get through it unscathed. It isn't really working out too well, though. I'm a mess, a reoccurring train wreck, and edging along on paper thin ice. I'm trying in every way that I know possible to keep on plowing through this and bring myself back to neutral again. I really am. I am so tired of feeling lost and confused. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed with questions, doubts, and anxiety about what to do with myself and where to steer my life. It's just not as easy as you'd think. It sure isn't as easy as I thought before. I always thought I had so much time. There always was so much time. Or so it felt. Now I see I was so wrong.

The older generations always want to dish out their advice; their 'wisdom'. Yet when you're not at the point they are, you have no way of really hearing it. It doesn't matter how smart you are about things or how much you prepare. You're young when you're young and there's nothing that can remove you from that. By the time you realize the reality of all the things you were once told, you're knee deep in it. Me, I feel chin deep. And flailing.

"I guess this is growing up." Lyrics to a Blink 182 song couldn't be more right. Entering the more adult sphere of life is a weird feeling. It's like second puberty. You have to readjust all over again. Only now you have much more to think and worry about. Things like bills, health insurance, college debt, a serious relationship, dwindling neglected friendships, and a heart full of baggage. I hate it all. I want to go back to a time when life was simple and I was carefree. Or at least find a way to be an adult version of that now. If only...

So that's my story. I'm a 22 year old college graduate with a Bachelors degree in psychology and no fucking clue what to do with it. Or myself. Or the rest of my life.

What I'm looking for is a little comfort, in any form. I'm hoping this channel will help. We'll see.

Oh hi Xanga. It's been awhile. How're things?
A lot's been goin with me...